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Whether you a single or in a partnership, if you are unhappy in your love life there are steps you can take to heal. 

When we work on healing ourselves we can shift our experiences in relationships. Doing our own work can lead to a transformation in our current partnership or it may lead to parting ways with greater peace and clarity. We when heal our old patterns we can be open to attracting healthy, secure love. 

Work on changing for yourself and your own future.

If you have been hurt and disappointed in the past, this does not have to define your future. 

If you partner is unable or unwilling to do the work you can still grow and heal.  

All relationships present an opportunity to mirror our own stuff, the parts of us that need to heal.

A note on manifesting love/doing our own work:

When it comes to relationships I have noticed that in spiritual circles there is a danger of  overgeneralizing the law of attraction.  For example: if there is something we don’t like in another, we need to heal that very same quality in ourselves. 

Although it is important to be aware of our own side of the street and to hold ourselves accountable. We are responsible for healing our own triggers and doing our best to communicate from a place of love. It is up to use to make sure we are not contributing to unhealthy or abusive communication patterns. Yet, we cannot heal someone else or make them do the work. 

Yet there is often more to the dynamic of healing in relationships. 

This limited perspective believes that if your partner is mean or abusive to you, you need to heal the parts of yourself that are mean or abusive. 

I would like to call bullshit on this. There is a very real danger in this type of limited perspective.  In most cases this is not the full truth, especially if someone is abusive. Being in an unhealthy relationship is can also be an opportunity for us to heal the parts of ourselves that may be accepting abuse. It may be the deeper subconscious parts, our inner child or ancestral patterns. The parts that feel responsible for ‘fixing’ those we love, that grew up in chaos and crisis, that were abused in the past,  and so forth. 

Our current experiences in love are shaped by our family of origin ,  attachment history and communication skills. 

It can also be shaped (and healed) by the work we choose to do on ourselves. We can take responsibility for our own healing and doing own own work (no matter our past experiences)

Here are the top 3 things we can do to be open to healthy, positive, mature and interdependent love:

3 Things You Need to Do to Heal Your Love Life: 

1) Heal Your own Past Baggage:

We all have it. Our own past bagggage. It can be  from childhood wounds or past relationship betrayals and trauma. We all have our own stuff that can spill over into our present relationship if we do not take steps to heal it. 

We are not responsible for what happened to us but we are responsible for our own healing. 

Past trauma (from childhood or adulthood), past negative relationship experiences leave a mark. Negative life events can shape our experience of love. They can change our subconscious beliefs about ourselves, love, and relationships. It can strip away our ability to trust others and to trust ourselves. 

This can leave off closed off to love or keep attracting us to partners who activate the original wounding. 

Healing our past helps to open us up in the present.

In healing the past and updating old subconscious beliefs we can move forward in a new way. We can keep the lessons, learn to love ourselves and listen to our intuition to trust ourselves again. 

We  can break free from old past patterns and experience a new style of love. 

I recommend therapy as a safe space to do this work. 

2) Learn about Adult Attachments Styles:

If you are unhappy in love you need to know about Adult Attachment Patterns.

Understanding attachment patterns can help you make sense who you tend to be attracted to. It can also help you understand your own relationship triggers. Attachment patterns are influenced by own childhood as well as previous relationships. They are relativity stable but can also change with time and effort to heal.

When it comes to romanic love There are 4 main attachment styles you need to know about. 

Here is a quick overview of each:

Secure Attachement:

Securely attached folks are able to share themselves and their world with a partner. They are open to emotional intimacy and relationship needs. They can let a partner into their world and simultaneously hold onto their own sense of self and needs. 

They are not afraid of losing themselves in a relationship. 

Anxious Attachment:

Those with an anxious attachment style tend to feel anxious about the security of their romantic relationships. Those with an anxious attachment style may quickly become attached to a new love interest. They tend to lose themselves in a relationship and can become consumed with anxiety. They may bypass their own needs in the hopes of keeping love. 

Avoidant Attachment: 

Those with an avoidant attachment style can seem like a great partner, in the begging stages of a relationship. Yet when there is a push for greater emotional availability and investment in the relationship, these folks pull back or even ghost completely.  Those with an avoidant attachment style tend to be ultra independent and have a hard time meeting the needs of another person. 

Anxious-Avoidant Attachment:

Those with an anxious-avoidant attachment style want their partner to be close and available but when they do come close, they push them away. This patterns is more common in those who have a trauma history due to the instability and mistrust that trauma can create. 

To learn more about adult attachment check out: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find and Keep Love  

3) Learn Healthy Communication Tools 

We enter adulthood with the tools we have learned from our own families of origin. For many of us this is not great news for our love lives. The good news is that there is a wealth of information and resources aviable for anyone who is willing to learn. Decades of research have identified clear difference in how happy couples communicate.  We can learn new (and better ways) to be in relationships. 

Our parents and families did the best they could with what they knew and where they were at the time. It is not about blaming them. It is about taking responsibility to consciously create the type of relationship(s) we want going forward. 

There is a wealth of communication resources aviable. Whether for self-study or in your own individual or couple’s therapy.

I would recommend checking out the top two research based methods for improving love relationships: 

The work of John and Julie Gottman and Gottman Couple’s therapy and the work of Dr. Sue Johnson and Emotion Focused Couple’s Therapy. 

(If you need therapeutic support I have training in both methods)

If you are unhappy in your love life, don’t lose hope. These are the top three areas I would recommend starting with in your own healing journey. 

Finding and keeping love is a process, it will not change overnight. But we can heal from our past and create a better future. 

No matter your past, you deserve great love.